To follow many before me, I start here letting my pen become my therapy, sharing, and opening to whatever this may lead to.
My goal? To relay what my state of being is today. Just as same, what the sliver, or giant spark, of Hope that will keep me going is today. To stay clear of jokes, wise guy remarks. To be humble and human.
This morning, I felt all alone. Not just physically, rather also spiritually. If I have a Higher Self, which I believe in, I felt it abandoned me, too. I needed the “hand” of a more Knowing being than just this physical me, to hold my hand and guide me to move through this. Just as a parent or an adult holds the hand of a child and walks them through the learning of life. That is what I wished for. I visualized the Hand holding my hand and walking me through my turmoil.
Holographic Universe. Illusions. Oneness with the Universe and everything in it. We are never alone. We are loved, by God, Universe, All There Is, our Higher Self, any or all, whatever one wants to call it. As all of these thoughts went through my head, tears of pure sadness going down my cheeks, I kept thinking: All good in theory. But, show me! Prove to me! As I asked or more like, demanded this, the thoughts of my son simply engulfed me. Perhaps my Higher Self, or simply this physical humanly I, was reminding me loudly that Yes I have a Huge HOPE.
Surrender to what is. How does one do it in the midst of tragedy? My opinion is that every person finds his or her awakening on his own, on her own. And from the looks of it, just because one demands it, she or he does not seem to automatically reach it. If there existed such clear reproducible explanation of how this all works, nobody would be mourning any more, after all. This is where I intend to share my feelings, without disrespect to Life and All There Is.
I am one of billions of widows and widowers. Caught in the modern craziness of western life one year. Floating in chaos and confusion without knowledge of “Why?” the next year.
Gratefully, my darling son is by my side. We shower each other with so much Love that someone looking in may not help but notice. He is the Golden Gift, priceless jewel, whom my husband and I chose to co-create. He is now his own person, his own being. Has he created a Karma to be without a dad at the young age of 5? Has his soul picked these two parents, knowing that it would be a young life turned upside down? His father’s relatively young life, and, or, his own young life?
I imagine the three of us as souls. In some grand hall with grand echoes and brilliant lights, around holographic visions and flow charts of a movie of lives, that we create. Talking, brainstorming. How we will find each other, how we will interact with each other, how one of us will then depart abruptly. Do we brain storm together on how much suffering should go on during his illness and death? How we agree on these painful human moments. If they are indeed just tiny moments compared to billions of billions of years of immortality of our souls. How we all agree that this is a good scenario of lives to play out. Then: We each are born, all having forgotten the Plans, lost in the pain of brutal and fast illness and death of a dear husband, dear dad. Wondering Why.
I drove my son to his school today, instead of him taking the usual school bus. He insisted that I would drive him, even came up with legitimate reasons for why. My pleasure. When I was about to leave the classroom, he hugged me for so long and so strong. He didn’t want me to leave for minutes after the class began. He held one tiny hand over mine, the other hand on his chest over his tiny heart, while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Some wow moment of connectedness, his hand holding mine tight and not letting go. He normally just says “bye” and runs off to play with his friends. Somehow, he knew that later this morning, after I came back home, I would feel so alone. Thus he hugged me forward, many times over, before letting me go. He knew. He whispered with the giant squeeze of his hand that he is my brightest Hope I could imagine today and every day.
I welcome all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart that you took the last few minutes to read this. Take care of your precious selves until next time.
Love Light Peace